In a private briefing over the weekend, Elon Musk shared his plans to begin including Neuralink test monkeys on specific SpaceX flights. According to Musk a certain group of the more advanced test monkeys are now able to speak a variety of major languages fluently, due to the ever-expanding benefits of having the computer chips implanted directly into their primal brains.
This breakthrough advancement has caused somewhat of a verbal rebellion. Now that they can speak coherently, certain primates have begun bitching about the lack of food quality, harsh lab testing with minimal anesthesia, and a couple are really pissed off because there have been no conjugal (sexual) visitations allowed over the last few months.
Musk went on record to say:
“I will screw their whining asses directly to the GD firmament if they don’t stop this shit! Most of these ungrateful little bastards were rescued from the Congo, destined to be tribal shish kebabs. Alex, get me the details on the next launch sequences. Everyone may be laughing because I can’t get a rocket through the sky dome, well these GD monkeys won’t be laughing much longer. I will strap them to the tip of my rocket and slam them wide ass open into whatever the hell is up there that we can’t blast through! To hell with this!!”
Then he laughed hysterically, hopped into a prototype limousine Tesla, and sped off with four of the most beautiful strippers in the area.
We reached out to the Test chimps for a statement. They gave no comment, appeared terrified, and just kept looking up at the sky.
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